#Comedic monologues for women food critic series
It’s really a series of monologues created by the writer for an Australian actress called Caroline O’Connor. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but there is so much more to women than what they think about men and what men do to them! One of the best plays (if you can call it that) I’ve read recently is Joanna Murray-Smith’s Bombshells. My big frustration has been that most of the monologues that I find centre around men and relationships with men. Enjoy! (And don’t forget to read the play)Īs a female actress it’s difficult to find great monologues. It was worth that much to me to have my say. Look, let’s just let this fall apart, okay? Don’t hang around for the sake of neatness. I’ll give it to you in basic modern American: I’m not interested in the hardware without the software. You could sleep with me if you weren’t so god damn lazy and narcissistic and were willing to exert yourself a little and show some interest in the actual core of another human being! But you will not sleep with me because I will not perform a stupid mechanical pantomime, like I was trying and failing to remember something fine, something from a better world, something alien and beautiful and lost! What, you look vacant, don’t you get it? I’ll give it to you in a nutshell. You’ve got to dig for treasure, Duke! Not settle for the stuff just lying out on the ground. If I tried to live on the kind of things you’re offering me, I’d starve to death. I won’t give up my standards! I know what I know. Do you think this body is something? What a joke! Any great poet the last three thousand years will tell you what a joke that is! This stuff, this flesh, this heavy breathing … We have this aptitude in our hearts and brains and souls to arrive at something so rich and inflamed and unspeakable and sacred and New! Not this tired shit you want to foist on me. And which you don’t think are important enough to know. Because that is exactly what I am talking about. They seem to hit it off but Duke’s suggestion that they sleep together is met with Judy’s disapproval. Later, Billie sets Judy up on a blind date with a very handsome (and very heterosexual) black guy named Duke. And then I see myself lying there in the bed, my face all scrunched up like some numbskull telepath trying to communicate with a dolphin, and I think: The f*ggots have done this to me! This, anyway, is the course that my brooding sometimes takes.
#Comedic monologues for women food critic skin
I lie in bed with my eyes clamped shut trying desperately to age some eighteen year old with a skin problem up to the requisite thirty. These days that limits me to guys I ran into so long ago that they’re too young for me to get really excited about. You know, I have to have at least experienced some small bubble of chemistry between me and the guy in order to imagine the rest. Because I can only imagine sexual encounters that I feel are plausible. I have a real problem with my ability to fantasize. He’s like my sister! These fucking sensitve guys out there sniffing flowers in their designer sweaters, I could just spit! And there’s only so much you can accomplish alone. Maybe we even get to bed before he bursts into tears and starts telling me about his Confusion. But a lot of them aren’t sure, so they go out with me for clarification. Judy: Definitely the men I meet! The men I meet are all f*ggots! Some of them know they’re f*ggots, and they’re bad enough. The use of this offensive language is John Patrick Shanley’s choice, not mine. I apologise and want to emphasise the fact that I’m copying the monologue word-for-word from the playscript. In this monologue Judy complains about her plight to Rhonda and Billie.ĭisclaimer: there is some language in this monologue that is offensive to gay men. Judy wants to break the pattern and finally have sex with a heterosexual man. Billie and Rhonda think it’s because she is a “f*g hag” and dresses like a gay man. Judy is a 30 year old sexually frustrated woman who only seems to attract gay men or men who are unsure about their sexuality and want to test it out on her. Judy has a big part in Women of Manhattan and several meaty monologues. In my opinion it’s one of the best in the play. I hope you enjoyed Rhonda’s monologue yesterday.